Change
by PhantomProducer
Summary: Saving Grace, 2000: Matthew is at the cliff's edge, considering the events of the past few weeks, and leaving him to truly consider the future for the first time in his life. Rated "M" for cursing, mentions of drugs, and drug use.


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing of the film _Saving Grace_. Nigel Cole, Mark Crowdy, and Craig Ferguson wrote and directed the film; they have more rights than I. So do Fine Line Features, Homerun Production, etc. etc. Let it suffice to say I own not a thing.

**A/N: **It didn't surprise me all that much to find that there is no _Saving Grace_ fiction on here, and I find it sad, seeing as how it was a delightful movie starring Brenda Blethyn and Craig Ferguson. If you haven't seen it, go rent it. It's a pretty decent film, and I enjoyed it. I used a shot of Craig Ferguson relaxing on the cliff as his character Matthew, after his pronouncement to give both his employer and his girlfriend "a piece of his mind" and after he and Blethyn's character Grace have been growing...plants...for the past few weeks, as a jumping-off point for an inner monologue. Read, review, and enjoy.

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Matthew inhales deeply, knowing he isn't solving any problems, not finding Nicky or Grace like he intended to do. Truth is, he is afraid. Afraid of his own thoughts, his own plans to abandon them both. In a huff, he had said aloud that he would give both of them a piece of his mind. Therein lay the trouble; he cared about them both far too much to follow through. So here he is, inhaling deep and stretching his arms out, enjoying a moment away. Expelling the fear had been the goal, but instead he is making it latent.

Every minute of the day, Matthew feels his life slipping through his fingers, becoming more and more out of control. It had been an innocent start, just having Grace save the plant to make it through the winter, but then Grace started talking pounds and needing to save the house, and needing him to help her with the operation. The monetary units danced in his head, and he saw a way to keep his job, to support himself and Nicky, and to stay out of Scotland.

Amateur wiring, electric work, fencing, tin foil, and bright lights are his future, he thinks. Or at least they were, at one point. All thanks to his brilliant idea of introducing the middle-aged matron to hydroponics. As more and more equipment is added to the list, Matthew begins to acquire a wider skill set, something outside of mowing the lawn and trimming hedges. Something other than grave digging to supplement his finances so he could live. Fine-tuning the system and keeping the lights running demands much of his time, and he begins to see how much more he can do other than sifting through the ponds to remove debris. Grace has given him opportunity, chance. He's given her a ticket to her salvation. Both of them are not about to let it go, legality aside.

He knows how gifted Grace really is at gardening, the irony being that she pays him to be the official gardener at Liac House. It's why he called her in to the vicarage in the first place; she understands when a plant needs excessive sunlight or almost total darkness. She can feel in her hands when a plant is turning, and she has a better eye for spotting growing buds. When she toddles about with her aviator goggles strapped down on her careworn face, Matthew feels a little of his heart twist. He feels like he is taking advantage of her, of her talent. She was always taken care of before this, her deceased husband providing for her and shelling out money to Matthew to keep the grounds that were by right hers. Grace doesn't know how deep Matthew is getting her into this business, and tell the truth, he sometimes wishes he hasn't done so. But that's what desperation does to people; it drives them to take an advantage, to find the means to the end. It's what he did to have a supply for winter, and what she's doing to save her house and pay off the debts. Still, he can smile easily with her, and in the end, it's no challenge or damage to her. She cares for him too, is his partner in the venture, and she takes responsibility for her own actions.

As exciting as the idea of getting loads of pounds for the deal is, he looks at Grace, and still thinks it should never have come to this. He looks at Grace, her tired blue eyes shining with joy at him, and for a moment he sees his mum. They would've been around the same age, if Mum had lived. She and Grace would've been fast friends, he muses, gossiping about gardening and his life, the people in town and their plans for the future. A hug here, a head pat there, and he's back home in the row house, glad to see Mum again for just a second.

The guilt twists at him just a little bit more, cutting through the haze he's created, and he takes another drag to calm down.

There's still Nicky to consider. His brunette beauty, the Lobster Queen he calls her in a moment of quiet frustration and fury. She's always had a good head on her shoulders, a quick temper, and a sharp tongue to match. It's what he loves about her, it's what makes him still want to come home and sleep by her every night, no matter how late he is out taking care of the plants. Damn, she is infuriating at times, especially now with her secrecy and her anger over the operation, but one look into her gorgeous eyes and he still melts. He knows he'll never not love her, but he doesn't know what he can really do to make her happy.

She begs him to become responsible, tells him that it's time to grow up, be an adult. For Christ's sake, she points at his laugh lines, tells him he is getting old. No matter how much he fights it, she right. Fuck, she's right. And it pisses him off. But what can he do? He's no miracle worker, and he can't change overnight.

Matthew has never thought himself responsible, but he's not a fucking vagrant. He works hard, but he doesn't work seriously. He grows the plants, working under Grace's watchful eye, in the hopes of getting rich as quickly as possible. He needs the money, too, so he and his love can stay in town and stay alive. If working with dealers and scouting out Notting Hill is what he needs to do, he'll gladly do that. He would much rather do that than any other job. It's a necessary evil of growing the plants, but better him than Grace going out to London. She doesn't see it this way; who is really in the wrong here?

He knows why he's been brought to this moment, smoking reefer on the cliff's edge. He had good intentions for his life, for Nicky, bringing Grace in to save his plants. But now, he has driven his girlfriend away, and for the life of him, he doesn't know what to tell her.

He can't say sorry. He won't say it. He's not in the right frame of mind to accept her words as truth. Not yet, anyway.

He thinks back to Glasgow on the next drag, not so much thinking as floating in his memory. Little bits and pieces float in and out of his mind, almost like he is there again but as a passive viewer. Through reddened eyes, he watches his little boy self dodging down the streets. He is a little overweight, but not huge. What sticks out about him is the fear in his big blue eyes. He tries to round the corner, but slams into a dead end. The bigger boys come around, force him to fight his friend Pierce for dominance. Pierce's older brother claims he heard "Wee Matty" say how tough he was in comparison, and now is to be brought to account. Matthew neither confirms nor denies, but rather accepts the inevitable and squares up against his former friend. Childish smacks are traded, and for a moment the fight seems to be deadlocked. A lucky punch is thrown then, and Matthew just watches as two more thwacks bang against his head before Pierce wheels to kick him. In a moment of pure of adrenaline, he catches his friend's leg, turns it, and makes him slam into the ground. Pierce's head smacks hard, a crack echoing in the sudden silence. The boy is unconscious, and the gang of dirty ruffians panics. Their faces contort, arguing about what to do, whether to leave the pair to fend for themselves or get them to hospital. One lad, Marcus, vouches to take them, rough hands hauling him onto his feet as he is instead shunted onto his front stoop, and Pierce disappears around the corner with his older brother nowhere to be found.

That, sadly, is one of the better memories of childhood. Matthew is broken, a little bit, but then again he figures that deep down everyone has been broken, too. Nicky is broken due to a childhood of poverty, Grace is broken by lies, debts, and loneliness caused by her late husband. Matthew's fights and his mother's terminal illness broke him long ago, hence why he's chickening out now. He can't really confront the women in his life. He can bluff and bluster all he likes; in fact, he's damn good at talking up his game. When it comes to an all-out fight, though, he backs away. The memory of his mother's teary eyes as he comes home with another scrape, another set of bruises, is conjured before him, and he cannot move past that image.

Fights bring only pain and devastation, confrontation breaks souls and splinters families. His eyelids droop, closing slowly as he lets the upshot of sorrow drown in the sweet bliss of a drag.

Something has to change. He has to stop Grace from going into London without him. She'll get killed, or possibly worse, without him there to protect her. And Nicky…he can't bear to let this gulf widen between them. He desperately wants her, needs her to hold onto. She's his anchor, and he can't be with anyone else.

It's just…something needs to change.

Something…the haze wears off eventually, and after the hunger subsides, Matthew gets back onto the road. Wherever he goes and whomever he meets first, he has a lot to tell them, no matter if it's matron or girlfriend.

No plans, no crazy ideas, just change. His feet take him back towards town, and he grins sadly. This day, he feels it in his bones, is not going to end well at all.


End file.
